Dear friends, it has been apparent over the past years of PETA‘s growth that the biggest collateral victim in this war on the natural human omnivorous diet is actually tofu! In an attempt to make tofu palatable to the American tongue, it has been violated to a great degree. I am neither vegan nor do I feel sympathetic towards PETA‘s causes and methods, but I think that tofu has been getting the worst rap from all over because of it has become the mascot food for hippie folk, bleeding-heart vegetarians, and fuzzy-animal lovers.

I’d like to bring a good name back to tofu — if but for one entry — and one of the best ways to do that is to serve it with the all-redeeming foodstuff, pork.

Go to any oriental grocer and buy youself a nice hunk of firm tofu. Cut it into inch-thick slices and deep-fry them until it has a crispy crust. It sure doesn’t sound like a PETA-thing now, does it? Cut the crispy tofu into cubes and set them in a bowl. Next, deep-fry some salted pork-belly, and cut it into one-inch cubes too. Toss everything together with a dressing of vinegar, dark soy sauce, salt, pepper, minced shallots and minced garlic. Let stand a few hours, and eat as a munchy with your favorite lager.

Remember, there are only three important soy products: real tofu, soy sauce of different grades, and soybean oil. Forget edamame. Keep in mind that textured vegetable protein and other soy products are bad for bodybuilding. And always remember, soy milk is the by-product of soy-prostates.

Also keep in mind that if Santa is not “coming” this Christmas, maybe it’s because Mrs. Claus has gone frigid, and not because he’s been drinking milk.