With the rise of the Unnameable Content-Management System known as Irrevocable Hype, the behemoth known as the Benamonster has established a powerful blogware monoculture. This is my interview with this massive beast, where I try to tackle the issues surrounding their product as I have experienced it.

1. OFJ: Benamonster, howdy.

   BM: You better not be wasting my time, kiddo. We have a blogosphere to assimilate.

   OFJ: I promise to keep it short, your… Behemothness?

   BM: That’s right boy, you know your place.

2. OFJ: Over the past years your product, Indescribable Tripe, has become the premier choice for a Content Management System among bloggers. Your share of the blogosphere has approached monumental levels. Did you see this coming?

   BM: Of course! We believe that we have made a superior product with features that make it easy for anyone to be a quality blogger like Glenn Reynolds, Dave W(h)iner, and others.

   OFJ: Uh, respectfully? Dave W(h)iner doesn’t use your product.

   BM: Who cares about him anyway? There’s always Mark Pilgrim, he uses my superior product.

   OFJ: Yes ma’m-thing.

3. OFJ: Ma’m, can you tell me more about those features that make your product superior?

   BM: It’s easy to install! All you have to do is know what you’re doing!

   OFJ: Can you elaborate briefly?

   BM: Did you read the documentation?

   OFJ: Nope, it’s so byzantine.

   BM: I’ll start charging you for my time, boy. Okay. You need to know exactly, and I will say this very, very slowly, which files you will upload in “Binary” mode and in “ASCII” mode. Then, you will have to edit one configuration file before launching the installation script.

   OFJ: My FTP client doesn’t say the difference.

   BM: Get a better FTP client.

   OFJ: It’s that hassling?

   BM: Want hassle? There’s more. But get a better FTP client. You have to obey the will of the Benamonster in order for Indescribable Gripes to work properly. Am talking too fast?

   OFJ: No, I understand, but…

   BM: But what? See that is the problem with certain words in the world of business, whether online or not. But this, but that. You can’t but this and but that all the time. Read my lips. It. Is. Easy. To. Install. You just have to know what you’re doing.

4. OFJ: Let’s talk about the Smokable Pipe user interface.

   BM: If you say so.

   OFJ: The editing text boxes are pretty small, and the unchlorinated-pool-water color scheme can be very incovenient.

   BM: You’re free to change it if you want. Just don’t blame it on me. The Benamonster is not known for aesthetic sense. Look at my homepage.

5. OFJ: What about security issues? There have been a number of….

   BM: That is none of your business.

   OFJ: …issues arising from crapflooding and trackback abuse …

   BM: That is none of your business.

   OFJ: …due to the fact that some people target the cgi scripts directly…

   BM: That is none of your business.

   OFJ: …and since your static files that you generate cannot implement pingback…

   BM: That is none of your business.

   OFJ:…you have to rely on bulky, slow, embedded XML/RDF to do something that pingback could do in about a third of the bytes…

   BM: That is none of your business.

(To be concluded…)