Yup, I’m dissin’ on Star Wars tonight, and I have spoilers. Lots and lots of spoilers, fury be damned. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it possibly could be, but it comes close. Dean Esmay has a good point:
No, their biggest failure by far is that these new films present no new mysteries. There’s some political intrigue, but most of it seems obscure and uninteresting, not grand and compelling. Beyond that, almost none of the story in this second set of films creates any mysteries for us to wonder about or debate.
Problem Number One: we came expecting the “how” of the transformation, and what we saw was a series of unfortunate slip-ups. It’s like watching a slapstick comedian slip on a greased floor, wildy gesticulating until he falls flat on his rump. It was funny in the 30s; it’s downright sad today. Let’s look at the denoument to the opening sequence, when, having cornered Count Dooku and slashed off his hands, Palpatine urges Ani to kill him. So spoof I:
Pal.: Kill him.
Ani.: Huh? He’s harmless. He won’t be tickling little boys anymore.
Pal.: First he joins NAMBLA, next think you know he’d be taking the younglings to bed.
Ani.: You’re gross, Grand Chancellor.
[Dooku gives Palpatine a puppy-dog look.]
Pal.: He’s winking at you.
[Anakin decapitates Dooku.]
Ani.: Ooops. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not the Jedi Way(TM).
Pal.: Oh well. Strrrrrrike ONE! Now, will you get these cuffs off me? I told Dooku to get me fuzzy cuffs, not these cold things.
Palpatine ends the war, assigns Ani to the Jedi Council, the Jedi Council assigns him to spy on Palpatine, and then Palpatine gets him to betray the Jedi Council (by revealing their secret) all before Anakin, who heretofore seemed like some sort of puppet (or bamboo flung about in the wind) driven by his fear of losing his wife, figures out that the guy he looked up to so much was actually the Dark Lord of the Sith. He does the dutiful thing and tells the council, only leading them to a trap.
Because, we all know, and as Weekly Standard writer John Podhoretz all too well knows, the future Darth Vader got seduced into the Dark Side, but in this movie, he got deceived. Duped. So says the previous:
Back in 1977, we were told in the original Star Wars that Darth Vader “was
seduced by the Dark Side of the Force”–that Vader had become a villain because he had been consumed by a lust for power, so that he could boss people around, blow up planets, and, generally speaking, control the universe. Like all great villains, the Darth Vader we saw in the first Star Wars actually loved being a bad guy. He enjoyed being able to choke annoying underlings by pinching his thumb and forefinger together. He relished his swordfight with his old mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi. He didn’t even mind slicing his own son’s hand off (in the second film) just to prove a point.But the Darth Vader we see at the end of Revenge of the Sith hasn’t been seduced. He’s been tricked. He’s not a villain. He’s a schmuck.
Going on with the run-and-gun summary, the members of the Jedi council, led by Master Wang-du—ahem, Windu—corner Palpatine and attempt to arrest him. We all know no one arrests a Sith master, heck, they all have a hard time taking down a Sith apprentice, but then again it’s Samuel L. Jackson playing Windu and we all know that he is going to strike down with grrrrrreat vengeance… Oops, wrong movie.
In the usual “grand” swordfight, Windu corners Palpatine and totally ruins his session with the plastic surgeon. Before Windu can kill him, Anakin (who went there for the usual schmuck reasons) interferes, slashes Windu’s arm off, leaving him open to Palpatine to tickle him to death with his blue Dark Side of the Force lighting. Look at me, Ani! Look at what he did to my pretty face! I wasn’t supposed to look like this until a few hundred years from now and now he will PAY!” And thus ends the story of Master Windu, and here we watch Anakin Skywalker have that last “oops” before deciding he’s actually a bad guy. (Or does he?) So spoof I:
Ani: What have I done?
Pal.: What else, you dumbass, you just killed a Jedi master. Do you think some cocoa butter would be good for these burns? I mean, I’m worse than a Shar-Pei!
Ani: You’re beyond plastic surgery now, dude. And I won’t show you a mirror or else you might kill yourself and you won’t be able to save Padme from dying.
Pal.: Oh well. I can always wear those drapes.
Ani.: Yo, I can’t deal with this. I just killed a Jedi master.
Pal.: You bad, bad boy.
Ani: Oh well. I’m beyond redemption now… Well, at least until my son saves me three movies later but if I don’t actually go along with this, then, it ruins everything. Might as well have some fun while I’m at it. Think I’m ever going to be good at being bad?
Pal.: Not until your role is played by someone other than Hayden Christensen. But yeah. Maybe.
Ani: You really have no faith in me, don’t you?
Pal.: Well, you are going to kill me in the future.
Ani: You have a point.
Pal.: Now. Kneel.
Ani: WHAT? I had enough to deal with Count Dooku when I was a youngling…
Pal.: Kneel, dammit.
Ani: Shit.
Pal.: No, it’s SITH. Say it with me. SITH.
Ani: Shit.
Pal.: For the last time, it’s SITH. Okay? I didn’t sacrifice Count Dooku to you just so that you can be so dumb that you can’t even call our order right.
Ani: No, you shit yourself. You know, blue lightning being turned against you and all that.
Pal.: Did you really have to tell me something I knew already? I mean, I’m trying to induct you into the Order of the Sith here!
Ani: But it SMELLS!
Pal.: Shutup. The sooner you kneel that faster this will end.
Ani: [grumbles] Ok, that’s what Obi-Wan told me… Whatever.
Pal.: Ladies, gentlemen, and all other genders of other species…
Ani: No one is watching…
Pal.: I hereby call my new apprentice, Darth… Vader.
DV: Ohhhhhh HELL YEAH! No one has to call me by a girl’s name anymore.
Pal.: Aren’t you glad you took the time to smell my own crap?
DV: Eat shit, Darth Siddious.
Pal.: Been there…
And so, in Revenge of the Sith, entire moral decisions that change the direction of one’s life take thirty seconds or so, with as little internalization as possible. In Revenge of the Sith, the fallen—stumbled—Anakin Skywalker discovers that he’s made one mistake too many as thus can not turn back. Mistakes made by righteous anger (the slaughter of the sand people) and motivated by fear lead to… Evil? The kind of brutal, monomaniacal tyrannical evil that we got used to from the original trilogy? I mean. Come. On.
Don’t take it from me, here’s Rev. Donald Sensing:
[...] In the key scene of the whole movie, Anakin disarms (literally) the only Jedi who could have saved the Republic, who is promptly dispatched by Palpatine/Darth Sidious. All of a sudden, Anakin realizes that Palpatine is bad! In fact, Anakin slumps to a seat and actually utters, “What have I done?†But barely two lines later he is pledging his troth to the triumphant Palpatine.
He also makes a point that we all know what’s going to happen. There is no suspense to the whole thing; even a magnificent battle like that of Windu and Palpatine would have been great if we didn’t actually know that Palpatine was going to win.
In the making of a retrospective, outcomes are not important. We all know what they are. The question of how takes center stage, and a laundry list of stupid decisions does not an Evil Lord make.
And so the final duping (and painful spoofing) happens after the new Darth Vader is permanently dismembered and disfigured. Asking Siddious whether Padme survived what he feared the most, he was told that he killed her himself.
DV: Did Padme survive?
DS: Oh. Are you that temperamental that you don’t even remember that you killed her yourself?
DV: [Roars. Breathes in his trademark Darth Vader wheeze.] I guess I really am a bad guy. Wanna shuffle our massive military all over the place? I mean, war is over but we need to keep em around anyway. We can play “Find the Fett.”
DS: Why the heck not?
I’ll close with words from a new friend:
Does it answer the question, “How did this happen?,” yes. Does it answer that question well? Not really. But, it fills the void in the saga to a degree. On a scale of one to ten I give the movie a five. It’s good enough to see in theaters (maybe even twice) but definitely not good enough to win anything other than marketing and special effects awards.
Timothy Goddard is collecting commentary on the movie; and if there ever were a doubt: mine is one thumb—yes, just one though—down.
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Oodles of RotS Reviews
Michele liked it, Jay didn’t, and Timothy Goddard is keeping a running tally. If you don’t know I liked it…
Trackback by The American Mind — May 21, 2005 @ 4:37 am
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Dude. Dude! You totally missed the point. To quote Oscar Choi, played by Owen Wilson, “Have you even seen Star Wars?”
Response to spoof 1: Droid hands.
Your sequence of events is off. The war didn’t end until Anakin went to Mustafar and killed all the Separatist leaders.
Anakin was seduced by the dark side. At first, he wanted to learn the dark side to save Padme, but once he felt the power the dark side gave him, he became obsessed with the it and became consumed by his obsession. That’s why he force-choked Padme. His jealousy and greed for power clouded his judgement. Saving Padme’s life was now an afterthought to his lust for power. She gave him the option of running away to get away from all of this nonsense. His response, “We can rule the galaxy.”
Resonse to parody 2: You must’ve gone to the bathroom or concession stand during this sequence. Anakin started off by doing the right thing and telling Master Windu that Palpatine was Sith. Windu sensed the confusion and ordered him to wait in the Council Chamber. As Windu and the other Jedi go to arrest the Chancellor (only allegedly, a Sith Lord), we see the Anakin’s choice unfolding and the conflict simmering in him: Do what he’s been taught is right – the Jedi WayTM, or risk it all for the only hope to save Padme – keep Palpatine alive at the very least. He chose to make sure Palpatine would live to teach him how to save his wife from certain Force-predicted death.
His internalization of the matter is waaay more than 30 seconds, man. It occupies a large portion of the first half of the movie – from the time Palpy tells Anakin the tragedy of Darth Plagueis “the wise” to the moment that Palpatine is about to be slain by Mace. Once he made the decision to save Palpatine and betray Master Windu he knew there was no turning back if he wanted to save Padme. He had to do whatever Palpatine wanted him to do. He wasn’t seduced yet at this point. But the more he used the dark side, the more he tasted the sweet sensation of the great power it gave him. Great power he always wanted. His original intent was good – but he took on the dangerous policy of ends justifying the means. That’s what made him ultimately fall. He deceived himself. This is the “how” you’re missing in the retrospective.
Response to parody 3: They both sensed that Padme was gone. Sidious knew of Anakin’s encounter before the final battle with Obi Wan. In episodes V and VI, we see that neither Vader nor the Emporer knew of the existance of Skywalker’s offspring before Luke became famous after blowing up the first Death Star, so it’s a safe assumption of their part that Padme died before the baby could be saved – and Vader killed her with his spousal abusive stranglation. Besides, what a great tool it was for Palpatine to use to get Vader to finally harness his dark-side power and “come alive” in Frankenstein-esque manner.
You and your new friend have this wrong wrong wrong. Go watch it again. You still have much to learn, my young Padawan.
*shakes head in disappointment*
Comment by Chet — May 22, 2005 @ 5:53 am
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[...] e only after seeing ROTS: Go visit Hoody for some spot-on analysis of the Sith. Go visit Jay for some rare wack analysis on Anakin’s turn to the dark side a [...]
Pingback by Seek-Truth.com » Have you even seen Star Wars? — May 22, 2005 @ 6:08 am
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[...] to stand in a long line in stifling heat to see Revenge of the Sith. I have, however, read Jay’s review. Warning: Spoiler alert as well as keyboard alert. Least it&# [...]
Pingback by Mind of Mog » Blog Archive » One Hundred Two — May 23, 2005 @ 12:04 am
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STAR WARS: GREAT ART, CHRISTIANITY AND SIN
The genius of Star Wars is that it explains why we sin, what sin does to us. Graham Greene once wrote that “love makes more mistakes than hate does.” In that light, the fall of Anakin related to the fact that he loved too much.
Trackback by The Galvin Opinion — May 23, 2005 @ 4:31 am
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And therein lies the opportunity for Vader’s redemption in Return of the Jedi. I was trying to explain the difference between Darth Sidious and Darth Vader to my 7-year old son just yesterday. He wanted to know why Vader repented and Sidious didn’t even try. I talked to him about how some tyrants can be reformed, they can repent, and how others are hard hearted. Darth Vader used evil because it got him what he wanted, but it didn’t make him right with the Maker.
Sidious used evil because he enjoyed it. He even tortured Luke in front of his father when he could have slain him quickly with a saber. He relished his wickedness. Vader saw wickedness as a means, and was therefore able to change his heart, repent and even die eschewing its trappings (refusing his helm which might have kept his life-support system operational.)
Vader was seduced, but was able to throw the lady of Sin out of his bed when he saw her in the light. Sidious sought out the same lady, and spent his days enjoying her charms.
Comment by dan — May 23, 2005 @ 3:34 pm
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Dude, you have this al wrong, and I think you’re a dick for spoofing this movie. Episode 3 was incredible, and unless you have all your facts straight, don’t bother making fun of it. Hayden Chritensen did an awesome job as Anikan, so don’t be such an asshole. This trilogy is one of the most loved, so grow up.
Comment by Rebel Dynasty — Jun 3, 2005 @ 2:42 pm
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[...] last person on the continent). Thanks to so many web sites I was already aware of the story’s glaring flaws and inconsistencies, so that part I expected. However, I was pleasantly surprised at several points : most light saber [...]
Pingback by Movies « Bloody Fingers — Aug 25, 2007 @ 9:53 am