(Your typical press conference set up. A lectern, bristling with microphones. Conspicuous in its absence is the teleprompter, which doesn’t happen to be anywhere in sight. The outgoing president walks into view, and begins to address the nation.)

PRESIDENT GWB: My fellow Americans, this year has been a year of great challenge to us. As the election approaches, I, the outgoing president, have a few things left to give to every American.

Both candidates have been running on a platform of change. They’ve blamed my administration of eight years for the moments of misery that have launched the Democrat candidate into a lead. the Republican candidate is struggling to produce a message that can beat that, and is trying to offer change of his own. But, my fellow Americans, they are not the only ones who are offering change to this country.

My tax cuts earlier this year, which so many of you have derided as a tax cut for the rich, have worked in propping up the economy by just a little bit, so that the crisis would hit now, and hurt Senator McCain. It has done the awesome job of encouraging further spending among you consumerist sheep. Many of you have used your checks to help soften the blow on that purchase of a big screen teevee that you just had to have. Predictably, many big screen teevees don’t cost just $350, or whatever it was that you got. I’m sure y’all used your credit cards to cover the difference.

Hey, we believe in the Law here in the States, right? Well, ain’t that the Law Of Unintended Consequences in action?

But more importantly, Senators Obama and McCain are not the only ones who are offering change this year. As an outgoing present to everyone of my constituents, even y’all who wear shirts that say “not my president,” I am, yet again, giving away another wave of tax rebate checks, even to those who have not paid taxes in years.

My fellow Americans, you have spoken, and you want change.

(PRESIDENT GWB brings his hands into his pockets. The sound of jangling coins is heard. He pulls out his hands, full of coins. He flings that coins at the PRESS CORPS. He yells into the mic, with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin…)

AMERICA, HERE’S YER CHANGE! YEEEEHAAAAAAAAW!

(PRESS CORPS erupt in a flurry of questions. The PRESIDENT ignores them, and motions his hands as if to ask people to calm down. He’s trying to hold back chuckles as he tries to keep talking.)

PRESIDENT GWB: Now, y’all probably have a lot of questions, but hey, you’ve pooh-poohed me as an idiot rube for the past eight years. You expect clarity out of me now?

But I ain’t finished yet. I ran on a platform of Compassionate Conservatism. I was told, that meant that the government would be compassionate for you, since, y’all think that everyone’s too darn greedy to be compassionate on their own. We’ve done a great success at this, and this seven hundred billion dollar bailout is the pinnacle of our efforts.

Consider this. We Republicans have a saying: we like to help people help themselves. Karl over here is the one I call architect. (Motions to KARL ROVE, who holds the pull-cord to a curtain to the left of the stage, as if hiding something.) He designed a lot over my term, but he had nothing to do with this final gift I’m giving everyone. If you are worried about your mortgage payments, forget it, stop paying. Well, why don’t we show ‘em what we got, Karl?

(KARL ROVE pulls the cord. It unveils a golden trough, chock full of hundred dollar bills. Behind it, are four pigs, with name tags: Nancy, Harry, Barry, and Barney.)

We brought out the buffet and some awesome dinner party guests. My fellow Americans, the party’s over here. HELP YOURSELVES! YEEEHAAAAW!

(PRESIDENT GWB walks away from stage, chuckling. The PRESS CORPS, unable to issue any questions, stare, unable to make head or tail of the situation.)