All posts by Jay

Staying alive

Have we looked at the track record of announcements from The Vatican of late?

They need John Paul II to stay alive and maintain the papacy. Otherwise it’ll be years before they could find another holy rubber stamp.

Though I won’t go in-depth in speculating about his replacement, there lies two possibilities: one, a despotic, conservative, yet reformist Pope who’ll “clean up” the ranks. Or, more likely, someone who is in cahoots with perpetuating the ages-old tumors that still plague the Catholic Church.

Pro forma, learned from the best

John Cole takes on the anti-Bushies who derided a pro forma letter coming from so and so many soldiers in Iraq. Identical text, different signature. Nope, it’s not Bush’s fault, as John has found out.

Interesting. So you have a form letter talking about the good things happening in Iraq. Soldiers willfully agree as they sign the dotted line and send the letters away. Of course, they could choose to say something else (within the limits of military law, as they have limited Free Speech rights) either in derision or in admiration of the situation. But why are the anti-Bushies, who keep on promoting consensus thinking, who tend to their flock and cannibalize those who don’t think the same way (and not just the anti-Bushies in the bigger scheme of things, but in this case, particularly them), think this is a bad thing?

Does ideologial purity now go in second place behind “humiliating the enemy?”

They should be proud. One mind, one voice. What else do they want?

The Wheel

…really does go round and round.

I didn’t even realize that I’ve been blogging for more than a year now. When I started, I needed an outlet (like we all do), to be listened to and heard, and ever since I got my own domain and space February this year, my blog’s growth was slow and steady. I didn’t really care about stats and hits back then. Just that I wanted, needed, to write.

What I didn’t come out about then, which I came out on for a short period in the test blog, something that only Matt Hamilton knew (he would be the first of many people I have met on AIM as a result of blogging), was that I suffer from bipolar disorder.

Oh, there are so many resources out there, so much documentation, that it’s almost “hip,” “cool,” and “trendy” to be bipolar.

It isn’t hip, cool, and trendy to be galvanized into major action not knowing when to stop.
It isn’t hip, cool and trendy to be paralized by depression, not wanting to get out of bed, taking Tylenol PMs in the middle of the day just to go to bed.
It isn’t hip, cool, and trendy to be paralized by fear of taking steps both forward and back.
It isn’t hip, cool, and trendy to pace around the house thinking of something to do because you just have to do something.
It isn’t hip, cool, and trendy to to lie in bed thinking of something to do because of the guilt that comes with doing nothing.

I have foregone medication for two reasons. Affordability, and something… else. Something… that only those who have taken it once know. I felt like a different person. It was scary. I didn’t know why I didn’t feel the same kind of reaction to what would have been a trigger, and it scared me.

I have foregone therapy because the quacks and shrinks don’t know shit about me. They never will.

I embraced this disorder and made it my own, and in looking for a vent, I started blogging.

Somewhere between my birthday and late September, I felt discordant with my blog. I could not connect. True, I did great thinking, vigorous linking, and though I resented none of those, the words rang empty in my head.

The outlet that I ran to for catharsis was getting narrower and narrower.

I felt the walls closing in: on my writing, on the blog, on my life. When I walked through Baltimore Sunday afternoon, it was a liberating experience. Unfortunately it wasn’t a lasting one.

(At this point any sane person would say, “well, that’s life. You get away, go back home, and deal with it.” How could I explain to anyone, judgment notwithstanding, that I cannot?

In a way all the alcoholics, and drug addicts, and those who speak of addiction as being powerless over something, these people who I did not understand at all, who I judged to have been skipping responsibility by calling it an illness, became kindred.)

Coming home from Baltimore, my 8 by 9 room felt like a coffin. I needed to lash out, to do something, to destroy, to create. To rebuild.

Reworking the template was not enough. By now, dear reader, you know that. Or at least you should understand that. I can only put so much concealer on a zit before its festering infection became noticeable beyond any means.

When my words started feeling like white noise everything fell silent. Once again, I was suffering in silence, and I promised myself to never go through that again.

So, I screamed. I screamed in a way that few would expect.

Now, for the very same reasons, for the very same hurts, aches, and pains that I started blogging with, I started over, and strangely, I feel free. Now the circle closes and starts rewriting itself.

Am I “back?” Getting back is the uphill battle. There is no “new” me. There is only me.

Hello again.

Rebuilding the blogroll

If there’s one thing I overlooked completely in my leap of faith (or spite, or whatever), was that I was planning to keep the blogroll intact. What an unforeseen disaster: i forgot to do it. I can eat myself right now I swear. So, here’s the deally. I’ll be working on the blogroll through the next few days. If you seem to have been delinked, drop me a line in the comments to the latest entry. This goes mostly to the ones on blogspot because I haven’t subscribed to them on #Reader.

I do not delink people, unless the site has died its death, so I’d like y’all to help me out.

UPDATE: Mog had a saved file of my index.php for reference. My roll is… on a roll! No more reminders. Blogroll be up by afternoon tomorrow.

Do you know, what it feels like

…for a girl? I really don’t understand what Madonna meant by the song, but to ease the transition into an all-new-ish blog, a few analogies:

  • I recalled my blog and elected a new one. The votes are in: recall, 100%. replacement: 100%, registered voters: one. (Thanks Matt of A Fearful Symmetry.)
  • Jennifer Garner got out of the catfight of her life and woke up in Hong Kong two years later, only in this case she remembers the details of her past.
  • Harm got re-employed by the CIA instead of staying as a JAG.

So there. I feel good. It feels like a breath of fresh air. Once again, a work in progress.

I remember when I was in High School, we would study the Bible and a bit of Christian philosophy and theology. One of the things that stuck to my head is that the current state of creation is the sixth day of creation. God isn’t taking a break.

Well, not quite… See, I met God, or at least saw her on TV last night. She was in the guise of Sharon Stone.

God would like to apologize to this court. When she gets spread too thin, people like Nancy come along.

Ten cents go to the person who guesses the show. It’s pretty freaking obvious.

Fresh Starts

I clean-slated my blog. I did not backup the DB by choice. The links manager will appear again soon. Everyone on my blogroll will be back, at least those on my sharpreader RSS. I know that any query-string links you have sent my way will result in null displays, or wrong texts. I apologize to the sphere for this.

I needed a fresh start, dear friends. I’d like to thank Daniel R.H. of Alabama for being the last person to comment on previous entry 306.

The archives aren’t backed up anywhere, dear friends. Gone. Like a diary burned after reading things over one last time.

As for the general direction of the blog? Keep posted. See you all in a day or two.